This I Believe.....

When I was little, I was that kid who would run away from my parents. The kid who when I learned to walk had to much confidence in myself, tripped and needed stitches. I was that kid who wanted to be part of every sport and be part of every club. I thrive in large groups of people where no one knows each other. I get tired of being around the same people and have never had a "friend group". I'm hardly ever at home or in my room. For as long as I can remember I have known that the two things I wanted in a college were 1. being able to study abroad and 2. getting as far from home as possible. That is why everyone was stunned when I chose Santa Clara University, a quick hour and 20 minute flight from home.


For people who don't know me very well, they would say I've had it made coming to college. Two of my best friends from high school came to Santa Clara with me and I am getting along with then now better than ever before. In the first week of school, I made the best group of friend I could have asked for, and since then my friends have just continued to multiply. I can always find someone to hang out with or eat with, and I'm hardly ever alone. I get pretty good grades, and I love my classes as much as someone can love school. For the most part, I know what I want to do with my life. I have found a place on the swim team, in reslife and among the civil engineering community. I have found people to look up to and people who inspire me.


What could be missing? It took me a long time to answer that question. When anyone asks me how I like college I say "I LOVE IT", which I truly do. I can't name one thing that I don't like about Santa Clara. I realize I am extremely fortunate for the easy transition and opportunity to come to go to school here. BUT, I am not happy. Well, thats not completely true. Its kind of hard to describe. Its like I'm living in a dream. In a bubble where nothing bad can touch me. Its like I don't feel anything bad, but at the same time I don't feel anything good either. It's like I'm walking on a never ending straight path with no obstacles.


Now, let me tell you what's missing. Adventure. I am the college student who wishes she was somewhere else. I am the college student who sees to many people from home on a daily basis. The college student who feels trapped in the bubble on Santa Clara's campus. I am restless. I am ready to stop the weekly routine and find something new and interesting to explore. I feel like I fit perfecting inside of the box that is Santa Clara, but my heart is being pulled to grow.


I believe life with out adventure is pointless. Yeah that's a pretty extreme statement, but its true. In order to truly live your life you must break the routine of day to day activities with adventure. It doesn't have to something drastic like back packing in Europe. I can be something simple like going on a walk with out a destination. But, Adventure in necessary to live.

My yearning for adventures is something that is hard to express. In high school I had always planned on going far away from home for college. Some where I didn't know anyone, some where new to explore, but most importantly some where I could start over and follow my dreams. Unintentionally the expectations of my family came into play in making the decision of where I would go to college. My dad had always said rather cynically "If you want to be a professional photography I guess thats okay, as long as YOU are okay with living at home for the rest of your life." Ironically my dad is the one who got me interested in photography. For my entire life my dad religiously read National Geographic Magazine. If I was in the room with him he would always call me over to see the photographs. The ones that were captured at exactly the right moment to make you feel as if you were standing with the photographer as he took it. They fascinated me. More often than not I would flip though the magazine looking at the pictures and imagining my name at the bottom of one of them. It has been a dream of mine for a long as I can remember to be photographer for national geographic. Choosing Santa Clara for College was my first step away from that dream.

I don't know why I chose Santa Clara. I think it was partly fear of failure and partly fear of disappointing my parents by not getting a traditional college education. One thing is for sure, I caught everyone off guard when I announced that I was going to Santa Clara, which my high school was practically a feeder school for. After getting into one of the best photography school in the nation (Rochester Institute of Technology) , and two very competitive architecture schools (University of Oregon, Drexel University) I went against everything I had previously looked for when choosing a college. Seventeen people from my graduating class came with me to what now seems like a continuation of high school. I didn't go out side my comfortzone, I didn't find an adventure, but most of all I didn't pursue my dreams.

Now I feel as if I am stuck in an imaginary world. I am too comfortable with where I am. I never think about the future. My dreams are gone. I have nothing to look forward to and no challenge to over come. I am living for today, not thinking about the future because I no longer have dreams. They seem so far out of reach that I have given up and come to conform with the supper middle class exceptions of traditional schooling for a traditional job. Maybe this is a better way to live just focusing on the memories and relationships of today, not thinking about what the future holds. But I have always been a dreamer. I have always had something to work for and look forward too. I don't have an adventure ahead of me and being suck in this imaginary world is not how I want to live.

Recently I joined a class that required us to create a blog. The purpose was to share reflection on the readings of the week. For some reason I felt very inspired by this. After publishing our first assignment, an elevator speech, I had this odd urge to keep writing. If you know me you would agree it was odd. I am dyslexic, hate writing, am awful at spelling and grammar and hardly ever read for fun. English is just not my thing, but that is beside the point. This itch to write was really getting to me, so I created a second blog, this one. I don't know who will read it, and I don't really know what I will write on it. Mostly I am hopping that this will inspire me to write more and reflect on how I live my life.